You are love.

I remember you loving this song.  I don't know why. :)

I miss you so much.

I love you.  I love you.  

I LOVE YOU.  most.

...you've made it unfair to say to anyone else.

I embrace you now...  

and I smell your perfume.

Okay.  You're getting ready for the fiesta mass.

See you again one day.

Happy birthday, everyone! Ü

Five.

"Remember, remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

I see no reason, why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot."

- V

To the bulletproof vest that proved false.

And to the Rice that was left lying spoiled.

She turned five.

And died.

...no worries.

Just remember.

Remember, remember.

"So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right?  

Well, my conclusion is:  HATE IS BAGGAGE. 

 Life's too short to be pissed off all the time.  It's just not worth it.  

Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote.  He says someone else has already said it best.  So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong.  So I picked a guy I thought you'd like.  

'We are not enemies, but friends.  We must not be enemies. 

Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. 

The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, 

as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

-  Danny Vinyard, American History X

i don't know what to do.

i hate why you outweigh everything else.

and i have everything.

how stupid is that.

how stupid.

June 2008

I’m so tired of the same conversations.

Have you ever scratched beyond the surface of your skin

And actually see the truth beyond your creation?

To bleed, and like the pain.

To like the pain, and want some more?

Until there is no more feeling.

And you are free.

Finally.

Even for just a moment

It all makes sense.

Why the sky is grey

And why you cry at night.

No pretending

No excuses

No plans

No nothing

Just you.

You and the moonlight.

Weightless.

i wish i didn't have to.

i try to recall your laughter.

i try to recall your stupid dance moves.

i try to recall the way you type on the computer.

i try to recall your food creations.

i try to recall your voice while on the phone talking to a client.

i try to recall the tiny hang nails you have on your fingers.

i try to recall the way you vomit out spit.

i try to recall all your brainfarts.

i try to recall our side trips to secret shops.

i try to recall your thoughts on the beach.

i try to recall our search for condos, cloth, chemicals, cars...

i try to recall our lunches and dinners.

i try to recall our 25,000 petty cash.

i try to recall our frustrations with stupid people.

i try to recall our deals.

i try to recall the line on your big toe.

i try to recall your moles.

i try to recall me drawing on your skin.

i try to recall your ears.

i try to recall your bad luck streak.

i try to recall our first chat.

i try to recall your first outfit.

i try to recall all our dvd marathons.

i try to recall you played tennis in slacks.

i try to recall yummies.

i try to recall all the scents of being.

i try to recall the water fight in the bathroom.

i try to recall your scream when you're startled.

i try to recall your tickles.

i try to recall your signature.

i try to recall how you swim.

i try to recall our sleepless work nights.

i try to recall your family.

i try to recall your sister.

i try to recall the traditional swiss dinner evening.

i try to recall our bike ride and ping-pong at the park.

i try to recall how you sleep.

i try to recall how you tried play basketball.

i try to recall your singing.

i try to recall your dreams and frustrations.

i try to recall your spirit.

i try to recall all that's you.

cos i'm starting to forget it.

i wish i had endless terabyte hard disk space for all the years.

i wish i didn't have to.

Random lines from one of my favorite movies -- GIA.  Starring Angelina Jolie.

~

T.J.: Have you ever had sex with a man before? 
Gia Carangi: Yeah, once. 

T.J.: And? 

Gia Carangi: And... I could have done that with a German Shepherd. 

~

Gia Carangi: You were the one, you were the only one, and you were amazing. 

~

Linda: She was like a puppy. She was like, love me, love me, love me, love me... I did. I Did. I did right away.

~

Gia Carangi: "I have to go," "I have to go," where the fuck does everybody go when they have to go? 

~

Gia Carangi: Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her. 

~

"Life and death, energy and peace. 

If I stop today it was still worth it. 

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. 

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it 

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked, 

which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above. "

~

wala lang.  Naalala ko lang bigla.

and so He said...

"if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? ...

if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? ...

if you lend money to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? ...

Rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back. ...

...

Forgive and you will be forgiven."

and so I say...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I curl-up on the floor crying, and all I can say is sorry.

I'm sorry.