seize the peace.

You are love.

2009-07-16T10:23:00.003+08:00

I remember you loving this song. I don't know why. :)

I miss you so much.

I love you. I love you.

I LOVE YOU. most.

...you've made it unfair to say to anyone else.

I embrace you now...

and I smell your perfume.

Okay. You're getting ready for the fiesta mass.

See you again one day.

Happy birthday, everyone! Ü

Five.

2009-04-23T10:09:00.003+08:00

"Remember, remember the fifth of November

Gunpowder, treason and plot.

I see no reason, why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot."

- V

To the bulletproof vest that proved false.

And to the Rice that was left lying spoiled.

She turned five.

And died.

...no worries.

Just remember.

Remember, remember.

"So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right?

Well, my conclusion is: HATE IS BAGGAGE.

Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it.

Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like.

'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies.

Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.

The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched,

as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

- Danny Vinyard, American History X

2009-02-02T23:29:00.003+08:00

i don't know what to do.

i hate why you outweigh everything else.

and i have everything.

how stupid is that.

how stupid.

June 2008

2009-01-08T23:24:00.002+08:00

I’m so tired of the same conversations.

Have you ever scratched beyond the surface of your skin

And actually see the truth beyond your creation?

To bleed, and like the pain.

To like the pain, and want some more?

Until there is no more feeling.

And you are free.

Finally.

Even for just a moment

It all makes sense.

Why the sky is grey

And why you cry at night.

No pretending

No excuses

No plans

No nothing

Just you.

You and the moonlight.

Weightless.

i wish i didn't have to.

2009-01-08T22:53:00.005+08:00

i try to recall your laughter.

i try to recall your stupid dance moves.

i try to recall the way you type on the computer.

i try to recall your food creations.

i try to recall your voice while on the phone talking to a client.

i try to recall the tiny hang nails you have on your fingers.

i try to recall the way you vomit out spit.

i try to recall all your brainfarts.

i try to recall our side trips to secret shops.

i try to recall your thoughts on the beach.

i try to recall our search for condos, cloth, chemicals, cars...

i try to recall our lunches and dinners.

i try to recall our 25,000 petty cash.

i try to recall our frustrations with stupid people.

i try to recall our deals.

i try to recall the line on your big toe.

i try to recall your moles.

i try to recall me drawing on your skin.

i try to recall your ears.

i try to recall your bad luck streak.

i try to recall our first chat.

i try to recall your first outfit.

i try to recall all our dvd marathons.

i try to recall you played tennis in slacks.

i try to recall yummies.

i try to recall all the scents of being.

i try to recall the water fight in the bathroom.

i try to recall your scream when you're startled.

i try to recall your tickles.

i try to recall your signature.

i try to recall how you swim.

i try to recall our sleepless work nights.

i try to recall your family.

i try to recall your sister.

i try to recall the traditional swiss dinner evening.

i try to recall our bike ride and ping-pong at the park.

i try to recall how you sleep.

i try to recall how you tried play basketball.

i try to recall your singing.

i try to recall your dreams and frustrations.

i try to recall your spirit.

i try to recall all that's you.

cos i'm starting to forget it.

i wish i had endless terabyte hard disk space for all the years.

i wish i didn't have to.

2009-01-06T23:22:00.004+08:00

Random lines from one of my favorite movies -- GIA. Starring Angelina Jolie.

T.J.: Have you ever had sex with a man before?
Gia Carangi: Yeah, once.

T.J.: And?

Gia Carangi: And... I could have done that with a German Shepherd.

Gia Carangi: You were the one, you were the only one, and you were amazing.

Linda: She was like a puppy. She was like, love me, love me, love me, love me... I did. I Did. I did right away.

Gia Carangi: "I have to go," "I have to go," where the fuck does everybody go when they have to go?

Gia Carangi: Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her.

"Life and death, energy and peace.

If I stop today it was still worth it.

Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could.

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it

For having been allowed to walk where I've walked,

which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above. "

wala lang. Naalala ko lang bigla.

2009-01-05T23:13:00.004+08:00

and so He said...

"if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? ...

if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? ...

if you lend money to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? ...

Rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back. ...

...

Forgive and you will be forgiven."

and so I say...

I'm sorry.

I curl-up on the floor crying, and all I can say is sorry.

I'm sorry.

2009-01-04T13:00:00.001+08:00

gah. useless.

universe... listless.

peace.

done.

2009-01-04T12:55:00.001+08:00

stop.

a tribute to voodoo dolls and cactus lips. jack nicholson and dr.mcdreamy. and me, UPOS. mmmmwah!

2009-01-04T12:26:00.011+08:00

you

suck.

coward.

liar.

user.

abuser.

oh yeah?

ugly.

insensitive.

duplicitous.

pretentious.

no remorse.

*Remorse: a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

none.

not good.

me.

The Power of Stopping.

2009-01-03T11:28:00.007+08:00

Self-help books have made it to best-seller lists for one reason. People are screwed-up.

Although not all people in need of help get to read such books, there are actually those who feel that such books become their saviors.

I say, whatever works.

If it helps you become a better person, then all power to you.

Power.

Many self-help books speak of "power," your inner power, the power of now, the power of time, the power of this and that... In general, they're mostly about finding that power within oneself that'll let you be "the best that you can be"; for you to find your true self, your peace, and your purpose. We are very curious beings always wanting to find our true self, true purpose, true love...

That be the case, if I had a power to write about, it would be... the power of shutting the hell up. In other words, the power of simply just stopping.

When was the last time you actually just STOPPED?

(this is the part where you really try recalling the last time you did. -- Example: took a quiet mental break from a rowdy gathering, stopped and observed your space and existence in the whole scene and wondered 'what am i doing?'? Zoned-off in the middle of traffic and smelled the beach? Stared at space for a time and thought of random laughing memories made in the sunshine?)

ah, you feel a sincere fuzzy smile somewhere between the alcohol and smoke.

STOP.

JUST STOP.

whatever it is, leave it for a while.

feel your senses. what do you smell? what do you smell when you close your eyes? what do you see? what do you feel? hear?

Where are you?

STOP.

feel. listen.

and just be. simply feel your existence and nothing else.

fall in love with the beat of your heart.

imagine the oxygen entering your lungs and traveling all throughout your veins to give you life and actually keep you doing whatever craziness you think of.

lose yourself in your breath.

STOP.

inhale. exhale.

Just STOP.

WHERE ARE YOU???

feel. listen. think. stop thinking.

where you are physically is nothing compared to where your imagination and idealism can take you right now.

STOP.

Everything else... the noise, the loudness, the hustle and the bustle of the city, your firends' jokes, your stupid jokes... are all distractions to finding your peace.

That is, assuming you do want peace.

You do don't you? ...don't you?

Why wouldn't you?

STOP. give it a try.

Actually stop all the shit and shut the hell up.

Okay. So you're lost. We get lost even at moments of clarity sometimes. Who hasn't felt lost, really? Most of us probably still are and some of us just die lost. The problem is sometimes, we say we feel lost and want to find ourselves, and yet we throw ourselves into situations where the basic function of hearing - each other, yourself, and your inner self - is almost impossible! How then will you find yourself and your way when you can't even hear your inner self even if it screamed and pulled you from inside out? And you go continue this, everyday, every night, keeping yourself around the loudness and the fun just to feel not lonely, to feel that you matter, and to avoid that melancholic breeze sweeping through your thoughts everytime it's quiet.

Your high though, only lasts for how long your fun rendezvous does. Sure, give yourself those moments. Give yourself those hours of drunken bliss. But I know you know... YOU know that you know... you're not finding your true self and purpose here... you're only just being in a different place.

For at the end of the day, it's still going to be quiet, and you are left to face the person you live in.

and you stop. you stare. you try and see if it's who you really want to be. all your dreams, your hopes, your new year's resolutions... and you say, "I'll get there."

"When? I don't know."

The answer, the way, just like the power, is, duh, within us. The power is real, you know. Yeah, I know you know.

Sometimes we just waste it whether we intend to or not.

Just remember, that each ounce of energy we let out, is an ounce of ourselves that we lose forever.

So I say, choose wisely you exert your energy on. The day will come when our youth will no longer bail us out. Frankly, don't wait for that day to come.

So stop.

STOP.

Let's all stop.

Oh just give the quiet a chance and hold you. Don't be scared.

STOP.

and you know the rest --

LOOK,

and LISTEN.

Although, I think it should be stop, LISTEN, look... ...and FIND.

But I'm messing up a whole different system of practice here.

Seriously though, give it a chance. [[STOP]] ~Fall in love with the beat of your heart.~

The power of stopping does help.

Peace be with you. Peace be with us all.

"and just like that...

2009-01-02T16:59:00.010+08:00

*poof*

he's gone."

-keyser soze, the usual suspects

Say it. Believe it. Drive it like you mean it.

I cruise along in my own ford focus sportwagon.

I run 10k's like a stroll in the grocery aisles.

I am currently filmming dugongs in Bohol, completing a documentary.

I help run a marine conservation project in Siargao.

I just bought a plane ticket to Costa Rica.

I am successful and abundantly rich.. but more importantly,

I am happy, I am peaceful, I am kind, I listen, and I am compassionate.

And I hold your hand while listening to the sun set. everyday, all day.

Dreaming is fun. :)

And believe it or not, dreaming... is already the first step.

Good vibes y'all! GOOD vibes.

Happy 2009 and beyond!

Spitfire.

2009-01-01T09:57:00.002+08:00

Things to be thankful for. 2008.

1. I was relatively healthy this year. I don’t think I got severe pus on my tonsils.

2. Bought my first Mac. (oooooh!) Yes, Angie Pollux, my MBP.

3. Fixed my room clean.

4. Renovated the den. J I’m very proud of this. This room was a MESS to put it bluntly.

5. Purchased an LCD tv. …for the newly renovated den. J

6. Got to travel. Always a joy and a luxury. (Thank you, Lord.) Locally (Coron, Galera, Batangas, Tagaytay, Bolinao, Subic, Nueva Ecija, Southern Leyte, Boracay) and to nearby countries (Palau, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Hong Kong). Chely and I promised to see Angkor Wat in 2008, and we did. 2009, maghanda ka sakin.

7. New passport! Hehe…

8. Flew an airplane to a different country all by myself. A first.

9. I got to join a marine expedition; lived for a month alone with strangers of a different country, in a secluded town at the tip of Southern Leyte; studied and surveyed corals, fish, and all sorts of marine life; slept in a room with lots of creepy crawlies; a month with no real functioning toilet... My beautiful Coral Cay Conservation Marine Expedition experience. Loved it.

10. I got to dive with SHARKS!! J

11. The Eheads reunion concert… na nag simula lang sa traffic drive-home from Nueva Ecija. ;) The Secret!

12. Rum-coke/ coke-rum, and the likes. Ah, yes. Found Tanduay this year. No, I still don’t like beer.

13. I grew-up a lot this year -- taking care of the household more or less. I’m thankful because I know I’m better kahit na stress.

14. Started seriously running again.

15. Got to play basketball! J

16. Had lots of massages this year.

17. OMG my own underwater video housing set-up!!!! (Arriving tomorrow! EEK! cluelessly excited.)

18. Got to work on good projects this year.

19. Hosted a few parties at home that were actually fun. ‘wow.’

20. Got to dream a lot during 2008. Made lots of plans and possible projects this and that. Let’s see what pushes through.

21. New jeans. Believe me, if you were me, you’d understand how this would be an achievement for the year.

22. Got involved in Rock Ed again.

23. Friends. Found new ones, and rediscovered a few.

24. Family. (At the end of the day, they're all you've got really...)

25. Memories. (...and these.)

26. Got to bring Chely out diving. …and traveling, in general. Stupid clean fun. Happiest times.

27. Money. Gift from the heavens.

27... Not bad for a year that brought a lot of emotional shit in my life.

A year ago, as 2008 entered, a friend tagged it as “Deng’s comeback year.” Now I look back and ask, why, where did I go? To be honest, I am as in a new place as I have ever been. 2008 was not a year for comebacks. Although, #11 was a blast. No. 2008 was a year of exploration. It wasn’t my comeback year. How could I come back to a person I’ve never been? 2008 was more of “Deng’s first steps, all alone, into many unknowns.” It was a year of discoveries I haven’t fully understood yet. A year of unpredictability. Oh it battered me good and hard. Very hard. But I seem to be still here. Hopeful. Lastly, 2008 was a year of letting go… realizing I had NO control over MANY things. (Let me just get that through my psyche one more time, darnit.)

No, 2008 was not my comeback year. It was my year of change.

Perhaps 2009 will be a year of figuring out all these changes and new possibilities, and making clear actions. Perhaps 2009 will be “Deng’s comeback year from the unknown.” Perhaps 2009 will simply be “Deng’s ME year.” Yep. I go with the last one. Sounds vague and promising enough. As most resolutions are anyway. Good luck and God bless us all.

The girl who loved red.

2009-01-01T02:59:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time, there was this little girl who loved the color red.

She found solace embracing her blanket,

Relaxing, staring into nothingness, lying on her bed.

One day, a friend came knocking and had nowhere to live.

She opened her doors, offered chocolates,

Relaxing, staring into nothingness, on her bed they both hid.

The world spun quickly and still at the same time,

The laughter roared strong, no walls, no echoes,

Dreaming, exploring, hippity-hopping, crossing the line.

Eventually, one day, the friend who came knocking wanted to leave.

The girl in the red dress spun helplessly, confused.

She cried, did I do something wrong? You made me believe.

There were no explanations, only apologies thrown.

Was it all a dream to be erased and forgotten?

How did it all just come crashing when another color had shown?

So once upon a time, there was this little girl who loved the color red.

She found solace embracing her blanket,

Relaxing, staring into nothingness, her heart bled.

The 2008 of Callisto, nemesis of Xena.

2009-01-01T02:55:00.001+08:00

January, Callisto lost a gander.

February, Callisto shared with an intruder.

March, Callisto read a book.

April, Callisto met Bruce.

May, Callisto laughed with a slang.

June, Callisto lost her heart.

July, Callisto relived the past.

August, Callisto rocked out for an hour.

September, Callisto entered a cave.

October, Callisto tried sewing.

November, Callisto wasted gas.

December, Callisto got burned at the stake.

2009

Callisto lives and kicks all your stupid asses shitless.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T02:52:00.002+08:00

2009, you better be fucking good, or else just kill me now.

Thanks.